


It's the Little Things

by sinkburrito



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: F/F, Matchmaking, general shitposting, written with my friend's oc esme!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-08-01 05:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16278515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinkburrito/pseuds/sinkburrito
Summary: Esme is tired of hearing Steph talk about Cass all the time, so she decides to take matters into her own hands. Featuring cameos from a LOT of people.





	It's the Little Things

“Steph, I love you, and you’re a great friend. But if you say one more word about Cass’ eyes, I will reach down your throat and rip your lungs out,” Esme says, munching on another cheeto.

 

“But I can’t help it!” Steph moans, “She’s so pretty!” 

 

“We are literally stopping a bank heist right now,” Esme says, putting the cheetos in her belt and pulling out a batarang.  One of Riddler’s goons falls as she kicks him in the face. 

 

“Speaking of which, I’m literally begging you to use code names in the field,” Tim says over the comms.  “How many times have we had this talk?”

 

“Stay out of my business, Useless Robin. There, is that enough code name for you?” Esme snaps. 

 

“Jesus,” Tim mutters. 

 

“Hey, you guys aren’t even paying attention today!” Riddler complains, holding up his handfuls of cash. 

 

“Take it out of my allowance,” Esme says absentmindedly. 

 

“Oh, right, like your allowance can cover several million dollars,” Riddler scoffs. 

 

“Uh, Spoiler, he’s right, knock him out, I’m a poor bitch,” Esme says hurriedly, suppressing memories of buying a new house just for dogs on a whim and laughing when Bruce yelled at her. 

 

“Roger,” Steph says, throwing a batarang his way. 

 

“Fucking finally,” Tim mumbles over the comms. 

 

Afterwards as they sit on the roof with a post-patrol snack, Steph sighs. “I’m not even kidding,” she says, mouth full of Taco Bell, “I’m like, highkey in love with her.”

 

“Wow, really?” Esme says in a flat voice. “I would have never guessed.”

 

“Shut up,” Steph says halfheartedly. “I don’t know… She’s so… y’know… Would she ever go for someone like me?” 

 

“Literally shut the fuck up,” Esme says, “Okay, don’t tell anyone I said this, but you’re actually pretty as hell and really funny and smart and Cass would be lucky to date you.”

 

“Th-”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Esme snaps.

~~~

 

“Haha, this is genius,” Esme declares.

 

“You are literally such a dumb bitch,” Damian says. 

 

“How could it be dumb? I thought of it myself.”   
  
“I rest my case.”

 

Esme scootches forward to the window, squinting into the binoculars. There’s a picnic laid out on a nice little blanket, even candles, on the opposing rooftop. She’d sent anonymous messages to both Steph and Cass saying there was an emergency at the location, and now all she had to do was wait. She’d kidnapped Damian to take the blame in case something went wrong. He was a little matchmaker, too, giving his opinion on everything (which always contradicted hers). He claimed it was because he was tired of hearing Steph wax poetic all the time and that all of Esme’s ideas were stupid, but Esme teased him relentlessly about being a romantic at heart. She didn’t even care if it was true or not; she just wanted to see him get flustered about it.

 

“Little shit,” she says quietly, waiting for the victims to arrive. 

 

Cass is first, swooping in elegantly. She crouches down to examine the picnic and the flickering candles, methodically searching the picnic basket (which Esme had stolen from Bruce because apparently high society women liked to be taken out on picnics). 

 

“What’s the emergency?” Steph asks when she arrives. Cass stands and quickly pulls Steph off the building.

 

“What?!” Esme squawks from the window. She breathes a sigh of relief when the familiar sound of the grappling hook goes off and she sees them swinging away. 

 

“They thought it was a trap,” Damian says with dawning recognition, “Which means they’ll be searching the surrounding area so we should  _ leave _ .”

 

“Oh, shit, okay,” Esme says, scrambling to her feet.

 

~~~

 

“It was so weird; when we searched it, there was no one there.” Steph was saying.

 

“Haha, wow, so weird,” Esme answers with fake laughter.

 

“Are you okay?” Steph asks.

“Me? Never better!” Esme exclaims. “Also, unrelated, but have you asked out Cass yet?”

 

“Shh!” Steph says quickly, as if Cass is in the shadows behind them. She glances around furtively before leaning in and whispering. “No, I have not! I don’t even know if she likes girls!”

 

“Easy, I’ll ask,” Esme says, shrugging. Steph makes a noise like a dying cat, eyes fixed on something behind her. Esme whirls around to see Cass enter the cave in shorts and a sports bra, sweaty from training. Her short black hair is messy and ruffled as she runs a hand through it. 

 

“Hey, Cass!” Esme calls as Steph is momentarily incapacitated, “Steph and I were just talking, do you like girls?”

 

“Hm?” Cass asks, quirking her head in confusion. 

 

“Like, romantically,” Esme clarifies as Steph turns the color of her Spoiler suit. 

 

“Oh. Yes!” Cass answers, beaming. Esme notes with some (a lot of) amusement that Cass is mostly focused on Steph. 

 

“Cool beans,” Steph says weakly.

 

“There, easy!” Esme exclaims cheerfully. “Steph? Steph, are you okay?”   
  


“Brown found dead in Miami,” Damian says as he walks by.

 

~~~

 

“They’re just so stupid,” Esme complains, eating the last of Dick’s cereal. 

 

“Do you ever stop eating?” he asks. 

 

“Shut up. ANYways, I want Steph to shut up about her but I don’t know how to get them together.”

 

“Aww, are you turning into a matchmaker?” Dick cooes, “That’s so cute! Can you do me next?”

 

Esme squints at him, eyeing him with disgust. “Says the man who once spent 3 hours talking about Starfire’s arms, yet still insists he thinks of her as “a respected teammate.”

 

“I-” Dick struggles, visibly flustered. “Agh, whatever! I think you should ask Cass if she returns Steph’s feelings first.”

 

“Oh.” Esme says, “I didn’t think of that.”    
  


Dick rolls his eyes.

 

“Hey Cass! Get in here!” Esme yells.

 

“I didn’t mean right now!” Dick complains.

 

Cass pokes her head into the room, an inquisitive look on her face. 

 

“You know who’s cute?” Esme asks. 

  
Cass shakes her head.

 

“Steph is! She’s great!” Esme says with more enthusiasm than is generally accepted.

 

“She is,” Cass says quietly, looking down at the floor. Dick makes a soft “aww” noise.

 

“Please go out with her, please, I’m begging you,” Esme blurts in a fit of desperation. Cass turns bright red and shakes her head vehemently before fleeing into the shadows.

 

“Aww, she likes her! You should definitely set them up,” Dick says. “You know, when I was Robin, sometimes I’d try to get Bruce to admit his feelings for Selina.”

 

“Huh,” Esme says, feeling the beginnings of an idea take root.

 

~~~

 

“Oh no, a bank robbery! Who could it be?” Esme says, hoping her shock sounded genuine. “I’ll take Steph and Cass with me to stop it.”

 

“Hhn,” Bruce grunts in acknowledgement. Esme internally cheers.

  
Steph and Cass refuse to look at each other on the way there, sitting in the backseat of the Batmobile and staring out the window like teens forced to go to prom together. Bruce didn’t know she took the Batmobile. 

 

“Oh, wow, it’s Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn!” Esme exclaims in faux shock.

 

“Alright, Esme, I see you took the Batmobile. We will have words when you get back,” Bruce says over the car radio. “But first, Penguin is robbing another bank, because it’s that time of year apparently, so I’ll need you to split up and have two of you on bikes. Steph, go straight on-”

 

“Don’t listen to him!” Esme says in a sudden burst of inspiration, “Don’t listen to that emo bastard, you do you Steph, live your life to the fullest potential! Date women!”

Bruce is silent.

  
Cass is silent.

 

Steph is silent.

 

Bruce audibly sighs. “Esme please, we’re trying to apprehend a criminal. As I was saying-”

 

“No, she’s right! Fuck you Bruce!” Steph explodes in a sudden fit of passion. “I’m gonna date your daughter!” 

 

“Oh god,” Bruce says quietly.

 

“YEAH!!!!” Esme screams, veering the Batmobile around a corner and nearly running over several civilians.

 

“Cass, you’re really lovely and-” Steph says, heartfelt.

 

“UGHHH YES!! YOUR MIND!!! I STAN!!” Esme screeches with the tires as she runs the Batmobile right through Penguin’s getaway car.

 

“Esme? Moment, please?” Cass asks quietly as the car comes to a stop.

 

“Oh, yeah, definitely!” Esme says vigorously as she jumps out of the car.

 

“Cass, uh, as I was saying, ha, you probably heard me, I’d-” Steph continues as Esme takes out Penguin’s henchmen. 

 

“SHE WANTS TO DATE YOU.” Esme says, bashing someone’s head against the car windows. 

 

“Haha, yeah,” Steph says sheepishly. Esme turns away to chase down Penguin. When she returns, it’s strangely quiet.

 

“Uh, guys?” she asks the silence as she makes her way over to the car.

 

“Huh?” Steph asks, turning around quickly with kiss-reddened lips.

 

“Are you guys presentable?” Esme asks.

 

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Steph answers. “But maybe we could get waffles before we head back? Like, just me and Cass.”

 

“Okay, I’ll drop you off for your date,” Esme says with relish. “Also, if you say “it’s not a date” I will rip your fingernails out with tweezers.”

 

“No, I assure you, it is a date,” Steph confirms.

 

“Yes,” Cass agrees. Esme adjusts the rearview mirror and sees their beaming faces and grudgingly allows a pleased smile to creep onto her own face. 

 

“Not that this isn’t adorable,” Bruce says through the car in his worst sarcastic tones, startling them all, “But aren’t Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn still robbing a bank?”

 

“Oh, no, I told them we were good,” Esme answers.

 

“You- Nevermind.” Bruce says, voice heavy with frustration before he signs off. 

 

“Well, this is your stop,” Esme announces as the Batmobile pulls to a stop in front of the diner.

 

“Thanks,” Steph says, flustered. They pull their masks on before getting out of the car. She takes Cass’ hand as they walk in and Esme allows herself to grin like a fool in the safety of the car. Steph and Cass take a seat by the window, still in their gear. Cass pulls the mask up and over her mouth as Steph does the same. They lean forward across the table and Esme feels something warm inside her chest as she pulls away. Gotham is a terrible place to live in, to be quite honest, but sometimes there are little moments that make everything worth it. This is one of them.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> anyways alexa i hope you like it!!! i love esme and hearing about her!!


End file.
